LDS Church Replacing Basketball with Pickleball as Semi-Official Sport

Thousands of meetinghouse gyms to be converted to the fast-growing phenomenon

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints announced this morning that in meetinghouses across the world, the basketball courts will be replaced with pickleball courts. “The reason for this change,” says President Nelson, prophet and president of the global faith, “is to hasten the work of gathering. We are all needed in this great work, and what better place to start than side-by-side on the pickleball court. This change is one more example of the ongoing revelation that guides the Church.”

President Oaks noted that the pickleball court will provide opportunities for young people to meet each other. “In this age of declining marriage rates, we hope this emphasis on fun, wholesome activities will encourage dating and courtship.”

In a brief question and answer session with the press, a representative of the Church’s public relations department explained that the renovations will happen in staged phases. Information about cost outlays were not immediately available, though the Church assures its members that the use of tax-free funds in this manner is entirely legal.

Some have questioned whether it is fair to bring this American sport to global congregations. Elder Soares replied to these concerns with the explanation that “we are not an American church, or a Brazilian church. Our culture does not depend on the traditions of the country where we live. We have a gospel culture. We invite local interpretation of the rules as long as they are in compliance with the Church Handbook.”

The public relations department also highlighted one of the more anticipated elements of this new program: the reinvigoration—with a new twist—of what used to be known as the “Church-wide basketball tournament.” While previously only men participated in the Church-wide sports tournaments, pickleball tournament divisions will now include men and women. “Under the direction of the Sports Committee, sisters will be full participants in the tournament,” says the Church representative. The Sports Committee will be selected from the general authorities of the church.

When asked by the press if it was true the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve Apostles would be participating in planned tournaments, the representative would say only, with a glint in her eye, “I don't want to give too much away, but the only thing I'll tell you,” she said, “is that you haven't seen anything until you have watched Elder Patrick Kearon slam a ‘banger’ right past the impressive reach of Elder Dieter Uchtdorf. I witnessed this the other day and, frankly, that is what I would call a relentless pursuit.”